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Picture a wild animal walking into a rave—that's your inspiration for the entire time you're at the parlor. Look around aimlessly—the walls, the ceiling, the floor, anything but the girls working.

When you're finally approached and asked if you want a massage , you should simply grunt, nod your head, and continue to look around.

Sometimes you'll be asked if you have ever been to a massage parlor before, in which case you should say no and don't really know how this works.

You will be asked how long you want the massage to be, and the secret here is to be as frugal as possible. Pick the lowest price, because that's just the money that goes to the owner pimp ; the girls make money from tips.

Don't try to be suggestive at this point, because you're just going to come off looking like an idiot, and God forbid the escort doesn't respect you.

When the girl leads you to the room, she'll tell you she needs to go get ready and you should undress and lay down. Take off everything except your boxers and lay face-down and wait for the girl to come back.

Inner Voice : Wow, this place is disgusting, why is the air so damp? Do I want to know? Penis : Alright, I see ladies.

Lots of cleavage too, I'm getting up for this. Inner Voice : Cool it, act nonchalant, we're being approached. Whore : Hey there, are you interested in a massage?

You : Um…yeah sure. I'll just take the half hour massage, what does that include? Whore : It includes a massage…that's all we do here, is give massages.

Penis : Giggidy! This is the most important part of the procedure. When the girl walks in, you should be relaxed; the fact that you're face down should hide your raging erection caused by the low-cut top she is wearing.

As she starts giving you the most half-assed back massage ever, start the small talk with her. Talk about where she's from, where you're from, really anything other than her milking your cock.

She should pick up on the fact that you really are a rookie at this and will go about explaining the price to you, probably with some sort of happy ending code words.

Inner Voice : Good question, I'm getting tired of listening to her talk about her haircut. Whore : So, do you want me to touch…down there?

Penis : Jackpot! Ask her to give you a verbal menu, how much everything costs and what you get for the price. At this point she'll either encourage you to get more money or simply do the job right there because of the rapport you guys have built up.

Most likely, though, she'll want more money. Tell her you're broke and make up another story about how your pet just died or you just sent all of your money to a Nigerian prince.

If this fails immediately make sure you display the twenty dollar bill. Escorts aren't like normal humans because their senses are trained to recognize the sight and smell of money and they become physically stimulated by it, causing them to throw caution to the wind.

In short, it's like fucking opium to them. She'll succumb eventually and will begin to work her magic. If she doesn't mind the pay cut, you may be able to talk her into taking off her top, allowing you to fondle her while she fondles you.

It's a win-win! If she gives you the option of lotion or no lotion, choose no lotion—that way you get the most for your money, plus you won't need to worry about her using some knock-off lead-based lotion straight out of China that's going to make your dick explode into hives after twenty minutes.

You : So how much is this going to cost? Sex in the Gallery. A former serial dater on his weird, wild journey to monogamy.

Without pants. And with lots of stroking. The rules, rituals and work that go into having a gay sex life.

Navigating life in the casual-sex lane. Condom Kingdom Photograph by Christopher Leaman. The kinkiest, kitschy-est, most luxe and cough most discreet places in which to indulge in racy retail therapy.

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And with lots of stroking. For other uses, see Philly disambiguation and Philadelphia disambiguation.

Consolidated city-county in the United States. Consolidated city-county. Main articles: History of Philadelphia and Timeline of Philadelphia.

See also: List of Philadelphia neighborhoods. Main articles: Architecture of Philadelphia and List of tallest buildings in Philadelphia.

Main article: Demographics of Philadelphia. Main articles: Economy of Philadelphia and List of companies based in the Philadelphia area.

Main article: Education in Philadelphia. Main article: Culture of Philadelphia. See also: List of public art in Philadelphia.

See also: Music of Philadelphia. Main article: Cuisine of Philadelphia. Main article: Philadelphia English. See also: U. Main article: Sports in Philadelphia.

Main article: Fairmount Park. See also: List of parks in Philadelphia and Drinking fountains in Philadelphia. Presidential election results, — Main article: Philadelphia Police Department.

Main article: Philadelphia Fire Department. See also: Media in Philadelphia. Main article: Transportation in Philadelphia. Main article: History of rail transport in Philadelphia.

Main article: List of people from Philadelphia. Pennsylvania portal Philadelphia portal. These terrains encompass from South to North and then counter-clockwise: the shores from the east-shore mouth of the river and the sea coast to Western Long Island all of both colonial New Amsterdam and New Sweden , and portions of Western Connecticut up to the latitude of the Massachusetts corner of today's boundaries—making the eastern bounds of their influence, thence their region extended: westerly past the region around Albany, New York to the Susquehanna River side of the Catskills , then southerly through the eastern Poconos outside the rival Susquehannock lands past Eastern Pennsylvania then southerly past the site of Colonial Philadelphia past the west bank mouth of the Delaware and extending south from that point along a stretch of sea coast in northern colonial Delaware.

The Library Company of Philadelphia. Retrieved June 12, Hidden City Philadelphia. Retrieved January 18, CBS Broadcasting Inc. Philadelphia: A Year History.

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Retrieved December 10, Retrieved April 30, Penn in the 18th Century. Archived from the original on July 3, United States Senate.

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Retrieved March 5, A Concise History of Philadelphia. Philadelphia: Otis Books. Retrieved December 23, Geography: USA. Northern Arizona University.

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Retrieved October 22, Chestnut Hill Community Association. August 17, University of Georgia Department of Geology.

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Retrieved August 6, China is, far and away, the primary sending country, with 22, city residents who make up about 11 percent of the foreign-born population, according to a Pew Charitable Trusts analysis of Census data.

Next is the Dominican Republic with 13,, followed by Jamaica, 13,; India, 11,; and Vietnam, 10, About , Philadelphians are foreign-born.

More than a quarter of residents are immigrants or have a foreign-born parent, Pew reported, and 23 percent speak a foreign language at home.

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June Retrieved February 10, Morley April 5, Philadelphia School District. Retrieved April 27, Business Insider. The Atlantic: City Lab.

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January Penn Medicine. Retrieved March 4, City of Philadelphia. The Presbyterian Historical Society.

The Dallas Morning News. Archived from the original on August 20, Retrieved March 2, Retrieved May 4, The Walnut Street Theatre announced Saturday evening that fund-raising is now underway for a substantial new wing of the building.

The three-story, 35,square-foot addition would break ground in May and be completed in Greater Philadelphia Tourism Marketing Corporation.

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